It was my fault.

Today has been... trying. I was really sick. My turtle escaped (he's okay now). Our neighbor came over to tell us they have termites... on a shared wall.

And just a bit ago I got in a car accident.

Yeah, I was going to the store and was turning left. I had signaled. I had looked... but apparently looking and seeing are not the same thing. I didn't see her at all, the girl in the van. We both swerved... but I still hit her passenger-side door with what used to be my passenger-side headlight and is now more of a passenger-side gaping hole.

We are both okay. Both our cars are old. But now her door sticks, and I can't signal turning right. And it will be expensive. But it could have been so much worse.

I have finally stopped shaking and crying, though I am in no mood to get in my car again. I feel so sick thinking about it. But I will *have* to drive Tuesday to school. I want to throw up.

Trade in all that Ails ya!

Long day.

I am tired of feeling dead tired everyday. But I *didn't* sleep through my alarm this morning. That's good. That's progress!

School was interesting... and frustrating. Basically I have 2 choices.
1. Quit or "delay" going back to school even though I am afraid THIS is my time.
2. Hire a Tutor to somehow get me skilled enough to continue.

The problem is I don't really know what I want to do... or, more importantly, what I want to BE.

Tonight was my sister's big work party. A Luau at the gardens (I should put up pictures... I took a ton) at Thanksgiving Point. It is so pretty there. The funny thing is Rinny basically came to get us in, stayed for about 5 minuets before she had to go to rehersals for Superman. (She is in an old MUSICAL of Superman! How weird is that?!) But yeah, the problem is I started feeling REALLY sick while there and ended up making the family leave early. Probably partially blood sugar... but I think I have a stomach flu of something. I am going to bed early tonight, maybe I will sleep. Feeling pretty crappy.

But the Gardens are totally cool. I need to go back before they close for the season to see the whole thing. In the next couple of weeks they will be letting you tour the whole place on Segways. They had them there to try. My dad kept getting back in line. *rolls eyes* Dork. But it was funny.

I applied to 5 more or so stupid telemarketer-ish jobs today. I need money. I need to pay my bills that the parent's aren't covering and pay them back for the ones they are. I hate the way I feel, I want to be independant... and it just sort of combines with all the other crap and my brain can't seperate stuff and therefore I just cry.

A lot.

About everything.

In addition, I am going to a Psychologist again soon... who thinks I may have ADHD, too... which is probably true as they sort of already told me that when I was little, but we just sort of DEALT with it. (Well, and I had to go to the school shrink every Tuesday in elementary school) But yeah, it is a good thing... sort of. But I am feeling like I have a few too many Diagnosies in my life and would like to REMOVE a few before adding more, you know? Maybe trade in Diabetes? Yeah.

Core Meltdown in 5... 4... 3... 2...

I HATE MY HOMEWORK! I HATE FEELING STUPID! I HATE SELF-DEBILITATING INSECURITY! I HATE FEELING SICK! I HATE MY BRAIN!

I want to cry.



Oh wait... I *am.*

At least I got to watch Gilmore GIrls tonight...

Playing Catch Up...

Sunday I went to Sandy and THAT was good. Elijah was given a name and a blessing in church. Mighty cute, all of them. Les is a good man, and the blessing her gave his youngest son was beautiful. My dad was asked to stand in the circle and help with the blessing. So did Uncle Lynn (the proud Grandpa) and Uncle Pat (not really my uncle... technically, he is mom's sister's husband's sister's ex-husband. *snort* hee hee hee! But he is super cool.) What's even more my mom, dad, and Rinny sat on one pew, but *I* sat with my Meggy and Jake! Jake is a great guy. He is not LDS, he's Catholic, but he came to our church to support the family and be a part of it. I hope he liked it and wasn't too weirded out. *grins*

Then we all went to the park for a picnic to celebrate. The kids were cute, the food was super yummy, and hanging with Megs and Jake was EXCELLENT.

So Sunday was good. And Megs and I made plans to play the next day when todayborday would be Labor Day. YAY! Only it didn't actually happen because I was moving stuff and really really killed my back! So much so that I ended up on Robaxin and on my back and too hurty and LOOPY to drive. Also felt really sick. BLEH. Stupid Monday. ARRRGH.

I didn't sleep much, which leads to this morning when I apparently woke up, talked to my mom on the phone, and FELL ASLEEP SITTING ON THE EDGE OF MY BED. I DREAMT I was getting ready. Then my roomie Lark came down to ask a question and woke me up. I was sitting there on my bed, holding my purse and thinking I was awake and on my way to class. I also fell asleep in class... IN CLASS!!! So embarrassing... and unfortunate as unlike a class where if you close your eyes foe a sec you can at least listen, in sign class you are SOL. Sigh.

And so I worked out after class, avoided caffiene and did my best to NOT nap. And I succeeded, so I should be able to fall asleep now, right? I took my insomnia meds... so, shouldn't I at least feel a bit DROWSY by now? 2 AM?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!! Insomnia must DIE.

On the brightside, I *am* becoming a FlyBaby, slowly but surely! I don't even HAVE a metal sink, so it does not shine, but it is clean... as is the kitchen and the laundry is... well... SORTED at least. It is a start.

And starts are a good place to... umm... start. I WILL get control over my CHAOS. I will get close to the Lord again (OH, and I got a Visiting Teaching assignment yesterday on my door. Haven't done THAT is awhile. And really, this ward hardly knows me. But I need to get some nads (uhhh... spiritually?) and go NO MATTER WHAT to church and get some spiritual help with the trials I face from day to day. Because I can't do it alone. Not EVEN close.

Parentheses is Plural, Parenthesis is Singular.

Okay, I am not preggy (just built like one), but I think I NEED to buy one of THESE if only to fulfill my glorious dream of SLEEPING IN A GINORMOUS PARENTHESIS!!!!!

And on that note, Good Night and I wish you for sweet gramatical slumber!

Showers, with a chance of tears

I am too nice for my own sanity. Today was myEx-Roomie, Libby the OnlyChild's, Bridal Shower. Why did I go? WHY?! I don't even LIKE the chick. But yeah. I felt bad, so I did.

It was a camping theme because they are going to be having their honeymoon out in the wilderness (and by the way, I *love* to camp. But I would not want my first time to have sex in a sleeping bag on the hard ground, with the likelyhood of boyscouts listening just behind the trees. Both ouch and eew.

Anyway, we were each supposed to bring camping stuff as gifts. I got her a s'mores kit. I had this cute bag and put in a box of graham crackers, 6 Hershey's chocolate bars, a bag of marshmallows and then some hot choclolate and a deck of "strip" poker cards. I wrapped it cute, and I probably spent at least 10 dollars including the gift bags and card and stuff. Not a lot, but that is what I tend to spend for friends... even when I am not unemployed.

But I *am* unemployed, and have been a few MONTHS, and so 10 dollars is sort of a bigger thing right now than usual. And I don't even really LIKE her. But I felt cheap and poor and embarrassed at that shower. I think I was the only one that spent less than 30! And some spent much more. She got a nice 4 person tent, sleeping bags, a nifty cooler, a propane grill... and a bag of s'mores ingredients. SO I felt really cheap. And Unaccomplished.

All the girls were near my age... and most had husbands... kids... careers. I have none of those, unless, you know, you count my fuzzbutts, which most normal people do not. ;O) hee hee! But yeah, the only people I actually KNEW were Trollup (who was Libby's Room-Roomie in Cedar City when Coats was my Room-Roomie) and Irene, who I sort of new from campus as well. Trollup is having a baby girl in January and working for her Investment Firm in St. George. Irene is teaching, I think. Actually, almost EVERYONE there is teaching... at John Hancock Charter School... because that is where Libby teaches and therefore most of the attendees were from work. So I felt cheap AND unsuccessful... and hurting (back spasms)... and embarrassed to be diabetic because they kew and kept asking about everything I ate (which wasn't much at ALL) "Should you eat that? Don't eat that!" Okay, hello, I am not perfect at this at ALL, but I was counting and keeping within my allowance of carbs. SIGH. Anyway, bad shower. As in worse than usual. OH, I forgot to say about my strip poker cards, they were all very offended. It was a joke... I meant it as a joke and also a little bit of a memory since we had poker [of the completley clothed-variety] nights as an apartment in Cedar. But then I looked like a cheap, unaccomplished, SLUT to boot! GRRRRR!!!

You've Experienced 56% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s. You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Oh, and by the way that quiz up above is dedicated to SooZee the Slut. Hee hee hee! And that dedication is dedicated to colorchrome. Yeah.

Anyway, I left early from the shower. I really did need to leave as my family was going out to dinner... but I left earlier than I needed to because I just wanted to get out of there.

Tomorrow my cousin, T-La's 3rd little boy is being blessed in church tomorrow. Blessing in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a bit like Christening. They give the child a name and give him blessings like asking God to help him lead a righteous life, be safe and healthy, etc. I love those boys. I will have to get picture of new baby Elijah... because I don't have them yet. So that is a picture of boy #2, Caleb, at the same age, and really they all look like carbon copies of each other in that family. Good thing the original was GEORGOUS because they ALL are. I tell you, T-La and Les have a VERY successful recipe for little boys! So I have that to look forward to. And Meg and Jake will be there, I assume (yay!). So yeah, fun stuff. Trying to think more about that than the rest of my crap week.

I NEED CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!! It turns out on top of my other issues the doctor thinks I am ADHD. GRAND, eh?! And the way I live my life from health to depression to my messy messy chaotic life is screwing it over even worse. SO, in additicion to my health stuff... I just started this FlyLady thing. Hopefully I can do it.

I need it.

And I need to take my pills and go to bed early so I can wake up and get to the church in Salt Lake in TIME!

Thursday Night, Never Posted

My room actually feels very nice right now. For one thing, I am hurting and tired from a far too long day at school, in class straining my brain, in lines to get an audit form, pretty long water aerobics session, etc. Therefore, just BEING in bed, even not sleeping, is good. 2nd of all, the window is open (as usual) and the air is cool, almost cold (NOT usual!). So that is a bonus.

School was tolerable. I am scared that I may never truly succeed in this field and I am running out of interests! But I will keep my fingers crossed.... at least when I am signing the letter R.